Grateful

It’s amazing how drastically your life can change in such a short amount of time. One year. 365 days. That pass like the blink of an eye.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my move to Nashville. One year as a Nashvillain. (Yes, I know it’s Nashvillian, but come on. Villain is so much cooler.) One year since the day my mom and I climbed into my little Toyota filled with just about everything I owned, and I watched my future unfold down the road ahead.

If you know me at all, you know that I’m a planner. I had a set map in my head of how things were going to play out once I got here. I was so sure of it. I saw it as clearly as day before my eyes. So naturally none of those things has happened. In fact, my life here looks absolutely nothing like I pictured. And the funniest part is that those things I saw so clearly, wanted so badly, are all things I don’t want anymore. But I guess that’s how life works.

One year. One year since my mom stepped on a plane to Houston and left me here on my own. And I have never felt so small. I think that’s how all great adventures start; feeling small. Seeing a great big world stretched before you, full of possibility and danger, and understanding in that moment that you are a speck on a marble swirling through a galaxy of stars. But with that understanding comes a promise: the loving hand of an infinite God holding it all in the palm of his hand. So with confidence, and a whole lot of fear, you step out of your door. Onward and upward.

I’m ashamed to admit how long it took before I stopped waking up every morning having to talk myself out of running back to Houston. It was lonely. And terrifying. But I believe the Lord leads you into the wilderness to prepare you for something great.

One day I woke up without that weight on my shoulders.

And one day I knew that if I went to visit my family in Texas that I would get on a plane and come back here. It took almost eight months before that day. But it came.

And one day I sat on my parents sofa and told them that I loved them but I was excited to go home. And I meant here. Nashville, Tennessee. And in that moment something changed in me. It felt like roots. And it felt like wings.

Because in the past 365 days I have seen more proof that God answers prayers that I ever have before. More proof of His faithfulness. His goodness. His love. As sure as the sun will rise. (I’m listening to “As Sure as the Sun” by Ellie Holcomb as I type this. If the past year of my life had a song, that would be it. Simple. And beautiful.)

In moments of darkness, He brought light. It moments of loneliness and desperation, he brought me the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for. Community. Family. For moments of doubt, he gave me the Nashville skyline. To Noah, He gave the rainbow- a sign of His promise to never flood the whole earth again. In the hard moments, the dark moments, seeing that skyline is my rainbow- a reminder of His call on my life; a peace that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I know this probably sounds overly-dramatic. I guess that’s who I am as a person. But this is my stone. The Lord has led me out of Egypt. Through the wilderness. Across the Jordan.

My life here looks nothing like I thought it would. And praise the Lord for that. For this adventure. For my own little fellowship. (When I typed that I meant like in the Lord of the Rings- my band of brothers and sisters walking this road with me and supporting me on my adventure. But then I realized that’s also the name of my church, and I smiled. The Lord knows what He’s doing, y’all. And these little things are so perfect. What a personal God we have.) I thank Him for the clarity He’s been giving me in where I really want my life to go. What I really want. Who I really want to be. And I thank Him for the uncertainty of my future, because in that lies possibility. And in that lies faith.

One year. 365 days. Of fear. Of heartache. Of peace. And joy. And friendship. And adventure. It’s been the hardest year of my life-hands down. And the most rewarding. There’s something so beautiful about hitting the reset button on your life and starting completely over from scratch. In giving the Lord a blank page on which to create something beautiful.

I’m sitting outside of the Frothy Monkey typing this and sipping a soy turtle latte. I’m about to go meet a couple friends at Mafiaoza’s for lunch. I’m breathing in the heartbeat of this city, and I love it. The first time I set foot in Nashville it got into my veins. It felt like electricity. It’s been two years since that day. And now? Now it feels like home.

I pray I never lose that electricity. Never lose the sense of magic in the air. That this ground beneath my feet was made for me to walk on. That I was created for these streets. This city. These people. This life.

April 5. It’s a day I pulled out of thin air. I ran out of excuses not to go. So I sat down with my parents in my kitchen and said I’ve got to do this. We pulled out a calendar and basically pointed to a day a few weeks out. I texted my boss that night. “April 5.” And he knew. I packed up my little world into a handful of boxes. April 5 changed my life forever.

So today, 365 days later- this is my line in the sand. The Lord has brought me this far. And the Lord will lead me on. No looking back.

To those of you I left behind to follow the call the Lord placed on my life, thank you. For your love and support. For giving me a kick out the door. For believing in me. To those of you who welcomed me here with open arms, thank you. For allowing me to be part of your little family. I am so grateful.

If I could sum up the past year of my life in one word, that would be it- grateful. For all that's behind me and all that's in front of me. And I can't wait to see where this road leads me next. Onward and upward.

My Thoughts are Stars...

It seems that I am the worst blogger of all time. I suppose I'm ok with that since I haven't really been blogging to be a blogger but, rather, to keep my faraway friends posted on my life. Of course maybe that makes me a bad friend as well. But we shan't dwell on that.

Something that I'm quite happy about is the fact that I've been out living life instead of blogging about it. I probably said that last post. I'm too lazy to go check. But it's becoming increasingly true. Tonight, however, I have a million thoughts racing around in my head and I thought it might help to get some of them on paper (well, digital paper anyway).

The last few months for me have been a season of settling. (Nobody freak out! I don't mean settling FOR anything, I mean settling INTO things. So...the GOOD kind of settling.) I've settled into my apartment, into my job, and into my community. The Burrow is decorated and feels more and more like home every day. I don't have the most glamorous job, and I certainly don't plan on doing it forever, but I can say with confidence that I genuinely like the people I work with. I know not many people can say that so for this I am grateful. And my community- well I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for. I miss my friends back home and afar every day. But I've found a place here where I fit, and people who love me and I love right back. The Lord has been clearly faithful to me in so many areas, but none more than this.

I took a trip to Asheville, NC a few weekends ago with some lovely ladies. It was my first time in NC (despite the fact that my daddy grew up there, I spent my whole life hearing about it, and I was raised in a home where you root for the Tarheels, gosh darn it!) It was lovely. The trees were changing, the weather was flawless, and I couldn't have asked for better company. We went apple picking and hit up the JCrew factory warehouse sale (talk about chaos!) As some random and often quoted person once said, "I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order."

I don't have any sort of clever segue into the next section, so I'm just gonna dive right in...

Things I've learned recently:

1) The world is smaller than you think, so a) you never know who you may meet or run into and b) you have to be careful what you say, to whom you say it, and where it is said. I've heard a lot of interesting things through the grapevine since moving here. 

2) Sometimes big risks bring big rewards. (Yes, I'm aware this is a basic finance concept but it's true in everyday life as well.) Even if the bigger picture/story doesn't turn out the way you hope or expect, sometimes simply having the story itself to tell is worth the risk.  After all, life is, in many ways, one big adventure made up of thousands of little stories. You may as well make them worth telling.

3) Perfect moments are untaintable. I'm aware this is not a word, but I like it so I'm using it. I'm figuring out that even if a story, relationship, dream, whatever- doesn't end well or turn out how you wanted it to, that doesn't negate the beautiful moments. Sometimes you have a perfect silver-screen moment and that moment- that memory- will last forever. I guess what I'm getting at is an imperfect ending doesn't make a perfect beginning or middle imperfect. Those moments stand on their own. And nothing and no one can take that away from you. I probably didn't explain that well. Whatever...it's a thing that I've learned. 

4) Risks and adventures are amazing fuel for the songwriting fire. (This one speaks for itself.)

5) I will never write happy songs as well as I write sad songs. (Ever. Never ever.) And I am ok with that. 

6) Nashville is breathtakingly beautiful in the fall (slash always.) 

7) Life is complicated (this I already knew) and becomes increasingly more complicated as you get older (this is a new discovery for me.) I guess I sort of expected things to get simpler after a certain point and start falling into place. The opposite appears to be true. The lines keep getting more and more tangled. The difference is that the older you get the better you become at twisting and turning your way through this tangled life.

8) Speaking of twisting and turning- a good dance party is one of the best cures from stress, boredom, anger, or the blues.

So these are some of the thoughts doing a full-on triathlon in my brain at the moment. My mind is also filled with oodles of quotes (what can I say, I know a lot of quotes. I like me some quotes. It's kind of my thing. Sorry I'm not sorry.) that sort of, but not fully, express where I find myself at the moment. For example:

"So, this is my life and I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Perks of Being a Wallflower

"It feels good to be lost in the right direction." -Something I saw in Pinterest

"When nothing is certain, anything is possible." -Something else I saw on Pinterest (I really like Pinterest, okay?)

And, more than anything else...

(-John Green, The Fault in Our Stars)

And, for the moment, that's alright with me. The stars are still beautiful even if you take the shapes away. It doesn't always have to make sense or form a perfect picture. They just shine. And that is enough.

My Life is a Tennessee Thunderstorm

It started as a simple errand; I wanted to see if Hobby Lobby had put their Christmas trees out yet (they have not) so I headed out into the muggy evening to find out. The drive there was fairly uneventful, but as I turned out of my apartment complex and saw the city below I was struck with the beauty of this place. I remembered the first time I set foot in Nashville. It was nothing like I’d pictured and everything I’d always wanted (but never known I did). There was something so magical about this city I had stumbled into by sheer accident, and it took my breath away. But sometimes I forget.

I’ve been here a little over three months now. This is absolutely crazy to me. Some days it feels like I’ve been here forever, and other days it feels like I just got here yesterday. Truthfully I’ve barely scratched the surface of all that Nashville has to offer- all its amazing things to do, places to see, and people to meet. But still, three months is a long time. I’ve made some friends and started to find places to fit here. No, it’s nothing like I thought it would be. The EP is finished but not online yet (waiting for the artwork to be finished…which should be soon!), I did just get a part time job at Barnes & Noble, which will give me something to do and bit of income until I find something more permanent, but it certainly isn’t the dream job. But it’s something. And I’m starting to feel comfortable here.

And therein lies the problem. Often with comfort comes complacency. And when you become complacent it’s easy to lose the magic of a thing or place. When I first got here most of my time spent out of my apartment was spent behind the screen of my Garmin trying to figure out where on earth I was and where I was supposed to be going. Now that I’ve gotten to know the city I can get a lot of places without it. But once you know a place you often see it as it is in your head. I worked so hard to draw a map of Brentwood in my mind so I could learn the lay of the land. But now what I see when I look at the city is usually that map- places and things, streets and stoplights. But there’s so much more than that.

This place is so full of magic. I felt it the moment I stepped off the plane last April. I felt it as I walked the streets with my parents that weekend, and alone that July. I felt it when I got caught in my first Tennessee thunderstorm after a late-night movie with a friend. And oh sweet south, did I feel it as I drove to the airport to head back to Houston, tears streaming down my face. I think I’ve gotten so wrapped up in getting settled here that I’ve lost sight of why I wanted to come here in the first place. And when I look at this place with fresh eyes I see the magic hasn’t gone anywhere.

As I drove to Hobby Lobby I saw the rain clouds forming over the city below. (I think it will be helpful for you to know that my complex is atop a hill of sorts so Brentwood is, in fact, below me when I look out from my apartment.) A shadow fell over the rolling hills, a few brave beams of sunlight peaking through the clouds and the tall trees. And I thought to myself over and over again, “I never want to take this for granted.” The fact that I get to walk out my door every day to this view; that I get to live in a place that looks like this, where the people are as sweet as the tea, where the magic is palpable- I want to wake up every morning grateful for that. The magic is here, buzzing in the air, dripping from the dark grey clouds above, flashing in the sky tonight.

So I take myself back to last April and July, and I hold every moment in my mind and try to capture the feelings- of adventure and wonder and absolute gut-wrenching terror that brought me here in the first place.

On the way back home I saw the sun in my rearview mirror and the storm rolling in ahead. And I realized this is my life, my future. I have no idea what lies ahead and, quite frankly, that scares the heck out of me. Moving here was the “brave” part, but I also think it was the easy part. It reminds me of cliff jumping. (Side note, I did that! I went cliff jumping with some friends a few weekends ago and it was probably the single most terrifying and exhilarating experience of my life. I adored it. PS for those of you who feel the need to tattle to my mother, don’t bother- she already knows. And no, she wasn’t particularly pleased about it. But back to my point…) Jumping off a very high cliff into the lake below was just nigh paralyzingly scary. It took every once of courage in my small frame (and just a dash of reckless abandon) to just leap. I felt like I was falling forever. I kept waiting and waiting to hit the water. Then I finally did. And it was over; I’d done it. And it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected. In fact, it was wonderful. It’s a memory I will keep (and cherish) for the rest of my life. (I even did the high cliff twice!) But then the jump was over and I was in the water. Now what?

I had to swim back to a lower cliff so I could climb back up. It was a long swim and after the jump my heart was racing. I’m a fairly good swimmer, but the long swim back was definitely the hard part. See, leaping off a cliff took faith. But swimming back to shore took effort. And I wondered as I reached a lower part of the cliff if I’d be able to climb it. And the answer was no. I had to keep swimming and swimming until I finally found one I could climb.

I figured I would make it home tonight before the heart of the storm hit. But as I looked out on it I thought about countless road trips I took with my family as a kid. It probably wasn’t so great for my father, but my favorite part was driving through the rain. As a kid, sitting in the back seat as the rain dripped down my window was such an amazing thing. The world often looks more beautiful when seen between raindrops, and some of my best daydreams took place in those moments. I would lose myself in a thousand different fairy tale lands without fear because my daddy was at the wheel, and I trusted him. I knew that he would get me safely wherever we were going. And that beyond the rain lay the daybreak. It struck me that driving through the rain is really only scary for the one driving the car (unless, of course, you are my mother, who is afraid of everything when someone else is driving- especially rain). I know that the Lord taking the wheel is both a cheesy cliché and a Carrie Underwood song, but I’m going to use it anyway, because that’s what I felt as I drove toward the dark wall tonight- an overwhelming sense of not being afraid. I am free to sit in the back seat and watch the world from between raindrops, and lose myself without fear. Because my Daddy is driving the car, even though I have no idea where we are going. But He does. And He’ll get me there safely. And beyond the rain lies the daybreak.

At this point the rain actually did hit me. Full force. I kept driving because I was only about 2 miles from home, and my apartment complex was pretty much the closest place to pull off anyway. And in that moment, driving the car, I was afraid. Traffic was going about 15 mph and I could barely see the road directly in front of me. The wind blew the rain in bursts so some moments I could see a little, and other moments I felt like I was in a rinse cycle of a car wash. But I got home safely and this only heightened my feeling of the Lord speaking to me, saying that as long as I don’t try to drive the proverbial car there’s nothing to be afraid of. We’re headed to the daybreak on the other side. I’m just not sure how long it’s going to take to get there.

Well, that was deep.

I did manage to include most of the new updates in there, however. Like the part time job I’ll be starting on Monday. Or the new friends and the cliff jumping. Even the EP status. Really the only other thing I can think of is that I finished my book. Whoop! Now to review and edit it. It certainly took a long time, but I’m so happy. And not at all surprised that it took Tennessee for me to get it done. I told you, there’s something magical about this place. It’s almost electric. All you have to do it reach out and touch it. Especially on a night like this, with a perfect thunderstorm that rattles your bones and terrifies your pet rat.

The heart of the storm has just about passed over as I finish writing this. But the rain is still falling, and I can still hear the thunder rumbling in the distance. I got drenched running in from my car earlier, even though I had an umbrella. It was insane. In case you’re wondering if I changed out of my wet clothes and into my Christmas onesie, of course I did. I mean, what else would you wear on a night like this? (Especially after seeing the Christmas decorations at Hobby Lobby- they have most of the decorations out already, just not the trees. I shall return there this weekend and continue Tree Hunt 2013.) And now I’m headed to brew a nice cup of tea, have a molasses cookie (my grandmother’s recipe), and watch some form of delightful British television (I haven’t decided which one yet).

I Can Show You the World (Or At Least My Apartment...)

I spent some time trying to come up with the perfect name for my apartment (it’s just a thing I do.) There were several good options, but they didn’t seem to quite fit. For example:  “The Shire” and “Hobbiton” were two of my first thoughts, but those are names of villages and large acres of rolling hills. They’re too outside-y to be given to an inside-y place. “Bag End” and “Mole End” were also on the list, but those are partially or wholly underground. They’re cozy, but they’re dark and small and not quite what I was going for. Howgarts wasn’t right. Raxacoricofallapatorius is a personal favorite. But I might be the only person I know who can both remember and pronounce it. Besides, it's a planet. And Gallifrey is also a planet and it’s giant and red. So that didn’t work either. This may seem like a lot of effort for such a silly thing but, hey, that’s how I roll. Finally, after much deliberation, I found the perfect name. And here I am in video form to give you a tour of it…

You may be curious why I chose the name I did. It’s because when you think about it, it really is the perfect fit. It’s tall, and I live on the third level of my apartment complex. And it’s a nice, light, homey place. I have often wished I could visit and spend some time there. It just seems like the perfect place to come home to at the end of the day, and unwind with the people you love. So, real life Burrow (no one better say anything about it “not being a real place,” because I’m not gonna hear it) I tip my invisible hat to you.

Hope you enjoyed the tour. You may have seen some of my motivational writing pictures scattered around the apartment. Those are fun. Also, let me know what you thought about the song clip. I’d love to get your feedback.



For those of you who don't recognize the names referenced above, (I am disappointed in you, but) I have provided a cheat sheet of sorts:

The Shire: http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/Shire

Hobbiton: http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/Hobbiton

Bag End: http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/Bag_End

Mole End: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pKVVmmp4N0

Hogwarts: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hogwarts

Raxacoricofallapatorius: http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Raxacoricofallapatorius

Gallifrey: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallifrey

The Burrow: http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/The_Burrow

Vlogging

Hello world, prepare to be entertained. At least I think you’ll find this video entertaining. I had a plan in my head of something I thought would be cool to do as a video post for my blog. That plan went horribly wrong. I’ve done my best to salvage the footage into something reasonably close to what I was aiming for. But it’s still a little funny at my expense. And I’m ok with that.

After I filmed yesterday’s portion of the video I got some caffeine-induced cleaning done, then had a caffeine-induced Justin Timberlake PJs dance party, in case you were wondering. (I’m sure you were.) Today I did a brief tour of my apartment but haven’t had time to edit it into a watchable video yet. So stay tuned for that in the next couple of days.

Also, I’m pleased to report that my printer is working splendidly now that I’ve changed the ink cartridges. (Motivational pictures PRINTED!)

In other news, I was finally able to get a Tennessee driver's license. I say "finally" because this was my third trip to the DPS. The first time I wasn't aware I needed a copy of my birth certificate or a passport with me to get a license in another state. So I hate to have my parents mail me my birth certificate. Then I went back on Tuesday and they were so busy they were sending people away three hours before they closed. It seems every 15/16 year old in the state of Tennessee was there getting their permit/license since school just let out. I went again on Wednesday. I got there when they opened and still had to wait for two hours. Boo. But I feel very official now. I also have more proof supporting my theory that absolutely no one looks good in their license photo. Ever.

That's all for today. I hope you enjoyed the video, even though it didn't turn out like I'd hoped.